After Infidelity: How Can I Trust You When I Even Doubt My Memories?

She opens an old photograph from a trip they took together. He was laughing beside her, and she remembered it as one of their happiest days.

After discovering the affair, she looks at the picture and asks, "Were you talking to her then?"

The meaning of the photograph has changed, although nothing in the image has.

This is a fictional illustration of one possible effect of infidelity, not a particular person's story.

After discovering an affair, someone may revisit details that once seemed ordinary: a late arrival, a message, a trip or a change in mood. They try to work out when it began and what their partner knew while they were living with a different understanding of the relationship.

The literature on recovery from infidelity describes distress that can unsettle the assumptions on which someone built their sense of safety, alongside anger, grief and recurring preoccupation with what happened. Responses vary in form and intensity. Severe distress alone does not establish a diagnosis of post-traumatic stress disorder. Gordon et al., 2004.

From a psychodynamic perspective, part of the pain can be understood as a disruption in the person's image of their partner and of themselves in the relationship. "I thought I knew them" may become "How did I not know?" Not knowing about the deception may be confused with a lack of intelligence or worth.

That shift deserves attention. Responsibility for deception belongs to the person who engaged in it. Understanding earlier relationship difficulties, if there were any, is a separate task. Those difficulties do not make the betrayed partner responsible for the other's decision.

Contradictory feelings may coexist: wanting distance and longing for the same person; anger at them and fear of losing them; wanting details and feeling exhausted by the images those details evoke. This complexity deserves to be heard without rushing someone into a decision to prove their strength or forgiveness.

Imagine the partner who had the affair saying, a few days later, "I apologized. Why do we keep coming back to it?" They may feel remorse and want relief from guilt, while the other person is still struggling to make sense of what happened.

It can help to distinguish remorse that can tolerate the impact of an action from shame that prompts someone to shut down the conversation whenever they feel like a bad person. This is a hypothesis about the function of urgency in this example, not a judgment about everyone who finds such conversations difficult.

If both choose to attempt repair, practical questions need answers. Has the affair ended? Has the deception stopped? Are there honest answers and clear boundaries? Can they agree on transparency that respects both people without becoming permanent coercive surveillance? Gordon and colleagues' model addresses the impact of the affair, understanding its context and making decisions about the future. Gordon et al., 2004.

A psychological explanation cannot compensate for continuing lies. Nor does saying "I trust you" make the pain disappear whenever something recalls the betrayal. Repair requires actions that can be observed over time and room for questions without humiliation or retaliation.

There is evidence that some couples can improve. An exploratory study of 19 couples affected by infidelity, within a larger couples therapy trial, reported encouraging outcomes among those whose affairs were disclosed before or during treatment. The small subgroup and the nature of the analysis, however, cannot support a promise that a particular relationship will recover or continue. Atkins et al., 2005.

Therapy may help restore the capacity to think and choose, whether the eventual decision is to stay or separate. The injured partner is not required to forgive on a timetable, and understanding the motives behind an affair should not be used to pressure them to remain.

A time may come when the person can look at the old photograph without demanding a final answer about every moment. They understand what happened more clearly, know what they need now and retain the right to decide whom to trust with the rest of their life.

References

• Gordon, K. C., Baucom, D. H., & Snyder, D. K. (2004). An integrative intervention for promoting recovery from extramarital affairs. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 30(2), 213–231. DOI.
• Atkins, D. C., Eldridge, K. A., Baucom, D. H., & Christensen, A. (2005). Infidelity and behavioral couple therapy: Optimism in the face of betrayal. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 73(1), 144–150. DOI.