I Love You… But We No Longer Want Intimacy in the Same Way

He used to hug her when he came home, and she loved it. Over time, however, the hug began to feel like an expected prelude to sex, which she did not always want. She started avoiding even the touches she had once enjoyed.

He noticed the distance and understood it differently: "She no longer wants me."

She wants affection without an obligation to go further. He wants to feel desired. Each new attempt now carries the possibility of disappointment.

This scene is fictional, and the roles could be reversed.

Desire discrepancy means that partners do not want sexual activity to the same extent or at the same times. That difference alone does not establish a disorder in either person. A position statement from the European Society for Sexual Medicine recommends considering distress, context and the interaction between partners, rather than automatically treating the person with lower desire as the problem. Dewitte et al., 2020.

In the opening example, the husband may hear "I'm tired" as a judgment on his attractiveness. The wife may feel required to prove her love whenever he approaches. As this repeats, conversations about sex become loaded with shame and pressure before they even begin.

A psychodynamic perspective opens a question about what intimacy means to each person. It may be a way to feel loved, a setting in which someone fears being evaluated, or a situation where expressing boundaries feels difficult. These are possibilities to explore. They are not explanations that can be established simply by noticing higher or lower desire.

In this example, it helps to ask what specifically hurts the husband when his wife does not want sex. Does he miss closeness, or does he also feel that he has lost his value to her? What weighs on her when he approaches? Is she exhausted, expecting reproach if she stops, or no longer feeling free to choose?

Understanding these meanings does not remove the body from the picture. Fatigue, pain, health changes, some medications and psychological stress may all play a part. A marked or persistent change, especially alongside pain or other symptoms, deserves an appropriate assessment rather than an assumption that its cause is purely emotional. The position statement emphasizes a broad understanding of context. Dewitte et al., 2020.

A different conversation might begin with the wife saying, "I love being held by you. Sometimes I pull away because I worry you will take my accepting a hug as agreement to go further." Her husband might answer, "When you move away, I feel unwanted. I need to understand what feels right for you and to talk about my needs too."

This makes it possible to discuss assumptions that had remained unspoken. Agreeing to a touch or a hug does not mean agreeing to everything that might follow. Either person has the right to stop without emotional punishment.

In a study of 229 participants examining responses to desire discrepancy, strategies involving the partner were associated with greater sexual and relationship satisfaction than individual strategies. The study relied on participants' reports; it does not establish that a particular strategy causes improvement or will work for every couple. Vowels & Mark, 2020.

One practical possibility in this example is to agree on forms of closeness both enjoy without an obligatory expectation of sex, and to talk about the times and circumstances that help or hinder desire. The agreement matters because both experience choice, not because one succeeds in persuading the other.

The European position statement also notes that desire can be responsive for some people: it may develop during wanted, safe intimacy rather than preceding every intimate encounter. This does not mean asking someone to begin contact they do not want or endure pain in the hope that desire will appear. Dewitte et al., 2020.

Couples or sex therapy may help them understand this cycle and address what makes it difficult. The aim is for both to express their wishes and boundaries, and for closeness to remain something they choose together.

When a touch can once again be just a touch, and a temporary refusal can be discussed without humiliation, the couple has more room to discover what they want together.

References

• Dewitte, M., Carvalho, J., Corona, G., Limoncin, E., Pascoal, P., Reisman, Y., & Štulhofer, A. (2020). Sexual desire discrepancy: A position statement of the European Society for Sexual Medicine. Sexual Medicine, 8(2), 121–131. DOI.
• Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 1017–1028. DOI.